Piss In My Cheerios

So, recently I read a disturbing article online that really pissed me off. It’s a comparison between Atheists and Christians.

THE ARTICLE:

“Atheism”

• Atheism does not have missions to feed the hungry.
• Atheism does not have programs to give shelter to the homeless.
• Atheism does not trouble itself to help the poor or give to the needy.
• Atheism does not clothe the naked or visit the imprisoned.
• Atheism does not give hope to the despairing, does not give love to the needy soul, or open arms to the broken-hearted.
• Atheism does not seek to bring healing to any person.
• Atheism does not intend to encourage the down-trodden.
• Atheism seeks to tear down Love and stop its flow into the hearts of the un-loved.
• During the 20th century, atheists (mostly communists, such as
  those who followed Stalin) slaughtered untold millions of Christians,
  Jews, and people of many other religions for the sake of their faith.
  This still goes on today in places like China.
• Atheism seeks to destroy the hope of Jesus Christ and take
  love away from a world of people in need of care. In the name of
  science they proclaim, “there is no God”, “we evolved from slime”, “the
  cosmos is an accident”. Declaring as gods the foundations and fate of
  the universe, they ignore the needs of the hearts of men to know that
  there is a Divine Creator who loves them.
• Because an atheist got God banned from public schools, our
  children must pass through metal detectors on their way into school
  where they score worse and worse on educational tests and morals are at
  an all-time low. They must remember each day the school massacres of
  the past few years and wonder… if… when… where… who… Does
  anyone stop to think that this downward trend started the year God was
  banned from schools?

“Christianity”

• Churches have missions to feed the hungry.
• Christians help the poor and clothe the naked.
• Bible-carrying evangelists visit the sick and imprisoned to bring redemption to those that are forgotten and thrown away.
• Preachers minister the healing power of God to those who dare to have faith and forget that miracles are impossible.
• The children of God travel the globe to give light to those in
  the dark, to show the love of Jesus living through themselves to the
  ones that He died for 2,000 years ago.
• Jesus gives the world His hope of eternal salvation, His gospel of love, His healing for body and mind and heart.
• It is the Christians, believers in the Lord Jesus Christ, who
  care for the world enough to take a chance on alienating themselves by
  sharing the hope of salvation with others.

SOOOOO….Naturally, as an Atheist, I couldn’t help responding with my own conjecture. So, here is my own assessment. From one bias opinion to another:

Christianity

~ First of all, This country was founded on freedom of religion. So, stop bitching or move the fuck out of the country.

~ I have several times given spare change or food to a homeless person , as well as, donated clothing. Just because someone is not the member of a program or has not put together a program to feed the hungry does NOT mean they don’t contribute. In fact, I think it is incredibly selfish of someone who calls himself a “Christian” to convict someone who doesn’t conform to their faith of such rubbish.

~ One word: Televangelists…aka: bullshitters. Televangelists use television to communicate the Christian faith. Televangelists seem to be the the primary producers of the idea that it is
always God’s will for all Christians to be perfectly healthy and
financially wealthy. However, it occurs to me that the Bible does not teach that we should give so that WE will
be blessed. The Bible teaches that we should give because we love God
and want to thank him for what he has given us. So, there you have it. Christian hypocrisy.

~Most Christian fundamentalists believe that the Earth is only 6,000 years old. I personally challenge those who believe this to then explain the existence of the dinosaurs to the world.  Including, why they think radiometric dating is inaccurate. And don’t give that “well, man and dinosaur walked the earth together” bullshit.

~Christians drink the blood of Christ…….gross

~Christians feel a desperate need to instill their beliefs in others even when that person has expressed no intrest in your faith. Well, God damnit give it a rest! I think it is completely inappropriate to preach your beliefs to someone of a different religion. Unless, of course, if that person comes into your place of worship (church, temple, etc.). Or, if the opposing person puts him or herself in the position to have an open discussion on the topic.

~In the above article, it states that “Atheism does not seek to bring healing to any person.”  I’ll have you know, I donate money EVERY year to diabetes research. So, fuck you.

~ Statistically, most scientists, doctors, and professors (some of the most intellegent people in the world) are atheists. So again, fuck you.

~ Stop judging and pointing fingers at the gays and trying to get them to repent. According to Christians, it is God who decides a persons fate. So, let your “God” be the judge of those people, if that’s what you claim to believe. Not to mention, I have many gay friends who are some of nicest and giving people I know.

~You say that atheists killed a lot of people. So did Christians!
I’ve heard so many Christians

now a days claim that the Old Testament should be forgotten. I feel that this is just another bullshit scapegoat
that Christians use to ignore the atrocities and bizarre laws commanded by their
god…Of which, tens of thousands of people were killed under his dictation.

ATHEISM

~ In the wise words of Kathy Griffin “Suck it Jesus”

Well, Thanks for taking the time to read.  As always, I’m open to any opinions or suggestions on the matter!

Why is it that old fucks think they can that come into a restaurant and buy $80.00 worth of food for their fat ass fucking family members, and then only leave a $2.00 tip for the waitress that ran her self fucking sensless trying to keep 4 adults and 5 rat bastard children content.
And then they get angry when the waitress doesn’t have the check for them right away after having to add on 6 desserts and 4 coffees beacause they’re in a god damn “hurry” to get to church. however, god for-fucking-bid they go anywhere near the fucking speed limit. I mean, exuse the shit out of me but shouldn’t they get to where they’re goin as fast as they can. They could croak at any moment (they know this,…don’t sympathize).
Besides, practically stiffing the waitress that waited on them hand and foot without even a “thankyou”or a “fuck yeah this mush is good” doesn’t really seem like the “Christian” thing to do. Burn in hell you wrinkley old fucks. also: I PAY FOR YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY! you’re fucking welcome.

1. DON’T seat your self when there is clearly a sign that states “please wait to be seated”….we will take our dear sweet time to greet you

2. DON’T bring in your five children and leave a dollar…your tires may get slashed

3. DON’T talk on your cell phone and make us stand there for ten minutes listening to a conversation about your pathetic life, about how there was no more People Magazines at Walmart, while we’re waiting to take your order,… this may be news to you: the world does NOT revolve around you!…we will walk away

4. DON’T make me stand there in silence for a ridiculous amount of time while you decide what you want to eat, when i very clearly asked you ”do you need a moment “…JUST SAY “YES! i need a moment!”…I’m sure you can un-bury the words from your vocabulary somewhere! christ…..i will roll my eyes and make faces at you when you’re not looking.

5. DON’T stiff us. we will remember you…..it will not be our fault if you “mysteriously” get food poisoning.

6. DON’T wave your glass in the air and raise your eyebrows at me when your drink is empty. if you want to drink your beverage that quickly, i will bring you a shot of tequilla next time……i will call u every name in the book and proceed to call your mama a bitch whore that should have kept her legs closed.

7. DON’T make a big deal about how you need 2 big boxes and 2 small boxes and 2 drinks to go, and just leave all your shit on the fucking table…..i’ll throw it all away and laugh before you have a chance in hell to came back for it.

8. DON’T ask me how much everything  is when you could just read for your fucking self,  if only you could take your eyes off my ass and position them to the menu…..i’ll charge you extra  for something you didn’t order.

9. DON’T point to something in the menu, order it, and try to argue with me that it isn’t what you ordered, when it is indeed what you ordered…….my good friend Travis from the grill line will put an “extra special” sauce in your re-ordered food.

10. DON’T FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK call me over to bitch and moan about something that probably wasn’t my fault, AND THEN, when i offer to fix it for you, refuse to be helped and pout like a little bitch. if you want me to fix it for you i will!!!!! jesus fuckin christ. if you didn’t want me to do anything about it then why in hell did you make me come out of my way to not help you?! it doesn’t make any sense…..i will fix your food for you anyways, personally. just the way you want it. partly so i can hear you stop bitching. but, mostly because i want your money….. to spend on a 12 pack later that evening, because you drove me to drinking. way to go…bitches.

just a question an old friend pointed out to me….

why is that i only find women over 200 pounds wearing those track/sweat pants that say “hottie”, “bootylicious”, “sexy”, or “cutie” on the ass part?

when i get stuck walking behind a rather large woman and i notice “adorable” on her ass…(yeah i notice. its hard not to)…i find myself wondering why they would make such clothing in plus sizes.

when i think of  “adorable”,  i think of babies, bunnies, and my dog, sissy.

when i think of  “sexy”,  i think of  Marilyn Monroe in leather.

when i think of  “hottie”,  i think of that cute police officer that i flirted with to get out of a ticket.

and when i think “bootylicious” i think of that song “baby got back” which then makes me think of red beans and rice…and then i go get taco bell…

but i guess i’m gonna have to deal with it. i doubt i could get a clothing company to manufacture plus sized apparrel  that says…”fat ass”, “eewww”,  “look away” or “i ate too many whoppers, how ironic”……..its a damn shame. a damn shame.

1. David Caruso – Please stop acting. No one wants to see you take your sunglasses off and on anymore. Actually, you should probably shoot yourself.

2. Kid Rock – Please stop making music. And if you can’t do that…Stop sampling good music and turning it into shit.

3. R. Kelly. – You pissed on someone? And it turned you on? And she was15? I hope you get trapped in a closet and die of thirst.

4. Tom Cruise – There was a time long long ago, in the eighties, when you were normal,  and actually quite sexy.  But Scientology? Really? I’m sorry, but any one who follows a religion made up 50 years ago by a science fiction writer doesn’t deserve to live. There is clearly something fundamentally wrong with humanity. God damnit. Oh, i mean Xenu damnit.

8. Arnold Schwarzenegger – “I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman”……Wow…Wow. You said that? Don’t even try and blame that one on bad english, buddy. I knew all of your muscles were turning into flabby flaps of skin and leftover melted metal from all of the terrible “Terminator” movies you did, but i was unaware it had affected your brain. I suggest you resign, immediately.

15.  Soulja Boy – How many cocks did you have to suck to get your song “Crank Dat” on the radio?

Ah…It’s Halloween time again!  One of my favorite times of the year! I love to see all of the creative costumes, decorations, and female ass cheeks. Not to mention all of the bitchin’ parties!  In the past I’ve gone as “Maveric” from the movie Top Gun, Eddie Van Halen, and a bunny when i was 2.

But this year, i wanted to go as something scary. Something way more terrifying than ghosts, goblins, and vampires. This year, I’m going to be the Christian God.

Many of you may not be familiar with the Old Testament, (fiction, of course).  The main character, “God”  in this tale was far more ferocious than Frankenstein, Freddy Krueger, and the Headless Horseman put together.  God was very strict, impatient, jealous, angry and wrathful.  A bloodthirsty jerk to be frank. Being sent to live in a lake of fire for the rest of eternity is just appalling. Dracula ain’t got shit on that.

So, It’s settled. God it is. It was either him or Darwin…..but hey, Halloween is all about pretending!

Alright, look…..last year i got out of a long term relationship. It was heartbreaking, devastating, and a bad time for me. I drank for 4 weeks straight, lost my appetite, cried often, and yadda yadda yadda. I got over it.

As soon as i stepped back into the world of dating, i got a taste of todays men: THEY’RE FUCKING VAGINAS!!!! I mean seriously! I thought that women were supposed to be the ones with emotional problems! Well, I’ve got news for ya folks. The genders have switched!!

Men now are so fucking clingy, and they want to spend every single second of the day with you, soaking in every breath you take and making it impossible for you to have time to yourself! Aren’t women suppossed to be like this? Where did all this sensitivity come from?! I mean i couldn’t even go to the bathroom without them following me. I once offerred a man a tampon. Its sick. Just sick.

Now don’t get me wrong. There are those guys out there that still have cocks. They’re hard to find, but they’re out there. And usually, those are the ones that don’t want you. Or they live 2 and a half states away. It fuckin blows.

Here are my suggestions:

TO WOMEN: At the first sign of “clingyness”….drop him like a hot potato and run for your life. He’s gonna want you to pity him, just because you didn’t hang out with him one time. He’ll cry on his next victims shoulder, and you’ll go have a drink…..and make it a beer.

TO MEN: God damnit you fucktards. MAN UP! We want manly men! We don’t want to have to deal with your emotional baggage! We want you to deal with ours! If ya’ll are gonna start becoming pussys on us, …..I at least want to be paid more than you. Jesus Christ….its a good thing James Brown is dead….or he would have to rewrite the lyrics to “Its a Man’s World”. I want a man who is gonna protect me, and take care of me. And occasionally, put his wiener in me. Not his vagina. So god damnit guys, wipe your fuckin tears, drink a beer, and go work on your car or something.

p.s. Take a hint and stop calling me. I don’t want you.

Have you ever seen a fat person run?  It’s almost as satisfying as sex. It gives me a warm feeling inside that makes my face light up with an orgasmic smile.  You see, for a long time i thought only aircraft were meant to be equipped with flaps.  I was immediately proven wrong when i saw my first fat person run.  Glorious.  It’s almost medicinal.

Although it is a rare occasion we see a mammoth of a human running down the street, there is always a chance.  Such as, when you see an ice-cream truck driving down the street…there’s bound to be a sighting.  Or perhaps when there is an all you can eat buffet at the local diner for a limited time only.

So, i would like to personally extend my gratitude to every jolly overweight man and woman who makes an effort to run, jog or trot.  Thanks for the entertainment and giggles.

1. O.J. walked

2. Rosie O’Donnell

3. Paying taxes

4. Black Entertainment Television  (BET)

5. Bush

6. People who voted for Bush

7. People who don’t enunciate words correctly. (ex: people of color, not necessarily black people… but white people who think they’re black.)

8. Bush

9. the View

10. Seether